Early reports indicated that crowd favourite Webb would line up for the league leaders, but news has now surfaced that Ferguson is to take a gamble on Marriner.

Marriner, who has only made 3 starts for Man Utd this season, is a surprise selection by Ferguson, given Webb’s ability to pull highly contentious decisions out of the bag in big matches.

“Webby has put in some great performances for us in the past, but I feel the expectation levels of supporters could be too much for him on this occasion,” revealed Ferguson.

“I might put him on the bench as an impact referee in case we need one of their players sending off or a penalty deep into stoppage time.”

Manchester Derby

The news of Marriner’s inclusion has left United fans miffed given Ferguson’s criticism of his performance in a 2-0 defeat to Liverpool in 2009.

“It doesn’t make any sense not to include Webbo,” said avid fan John Henderson, who has lived in Plymouth all his life and whose only connection with Manchester is that he once voted for Bez when he was on Celebrity Big Brother.

“In games like this you want your best performers on the pitch, and Webbsio pulling the strings is as good as going into the game with a two-nil lead.”

“I hope that Ferguson has seen something in Marriner in training that suggests he can rise to the occasion.”

“If City have still got eleven men on the pitch at half-time then I’ll be singing Webbsyio’s name.”

“I’ll be singing it at the TV, but rest assured that the wife will be left in no doubt about how angry I am.”

The former Housing Officer from North London vowed the “strongest possible action” if it was proved rogue operator Craig Gannon had intercepted the Scottish couple’s personal phones whilst they were celebrating their amazing piece of good fortune.

He branded the claims “almost too horrific to believe” as senior executives at the media company met police conducting a criminal investigation into phone hacking.

SKELPIT LUG

Relatives said they could not believe that the Sun would try to intrude in the Weir’s moment of joy. Talking to our Home Affairs correspondent an angry Jim Hansen 45 from, Craighat, Stirlingshire, 2nd cousin of the lucky couple said:

“I’ll gie ye a skelpit lug” (*). Believing a ‘skelpit lug’ to be unpleasant thing our reporter left before events took a turn for the worse.

The recent hacking scandal has added fuel to the claim that the News of the World might not be the only paper to close over the forthcoming weeks.

Home Affairs correspondent Sir Arthur Mitchell believes he has documents proving that the Sun planned to publish extracts of the Weir’s telephone conversations minutes after they discovered they had become the 430th richest couple in the UK.

DISGUSTING

In an unprecedented act of bravery BTN have decided to publish these documents to highlight the fact that far from being a thing of the past phone hacking is still very much a part of News International’s journalistic practice.

The following are extracts of conversations had by Colin and Chris Weir immediately following Tuesday night’s life changing Euro lottery draw.

11.35pm: Colin to Chris: “Wit the nimbers Hen?” (What are the numbers wife?)

11.37pm: Colin to Chris: “Git the fooking nimbers wee yer Hen” (Would you please check the numbers wife)

11:40pm: Colin to Chris: “Git the fooking nimbers Hen, are yooz Peely-Wally or wit? (Would you please check the numbers wife, are you sick or what)

11:42pm: Chris to Colin: “Ken yer reet I am a wee Peely Wally but hang yer weist” (Yes,you are correct Colin, I am feeling a bit ill but wait a minute)

11.43pm: Chris to Colin: “Reet, Are you reet? (Right are you ready)

11.44pm: Colin to Chris: “Aye I’m reet (Yes I’m ready)

11.44pm: Chris to Colin: “Ye sure yooz reet?” (Are you sure you’re right?)

11.45pm: Colin to Chris: “Aye, I’m fooking sure I’m reet” (Yes I’m sure that I am right)

11.45pm: Colin to Chris: “Get on wee et yooz cracked mare” (Please read out the numbers wife)

11.46pm: Chris to Colin: “OK, 7, 19, 38, 42 and 45, lookie stars 9 and 10” (OK, 7, 19, 38, 42 and 45, lucky stars 9 and 10)

There was then a pause of over 5 minutes. The only sound to be heard was the rustling of paper and a barking dog, possibly a Cairn terrier.

11.52pm: Colin to Chris: “Away an bile yer heid ya numpty, ye dinnae ken whit yer talkin aboot” (Fuck off that can’t be right)

11.52pm: “Chris to Colin: “I will nah bile me heid ya Fannybawz, I’m reet” (I’m telling you the truth effeminate man)

11.52pm: “Colin to Chris: “Yooz is one Bletherskite” (You are definitely a Bletherskite)

11.54pm: The Weir’s conversation was then broken up by an, as of yet, unidentified male, possibly ex Celtic boss Gordon Strachan who burst in, obviously the worse for alcohol and said: “ah ett three kebabs last night na noo mah ring’s pure loupin’. (I have just consumed three Kebabs and I’m going to suffer for it in the morning)

11.54pm: Colin to unidentified man: “Pish off awah Ginger” (Go away fruit based fizzy drink)

There was then another pause for approximately 15 minutes. One can only imagine the emotion in the room. The silence was broken just after midnight.

12.10pm: Colin to Chris: “Gonny gie’s a gobble then hen” (Could you put the dinner on now wife)

12.10pm: Chris to Colin: “Gettae yooz wee fat Bassa” (Get it yourself, you are putting on weight small man)

12:20pm: Colin to Chris: “I think wees ginna be alreet hen” (I think we are going to be alright wife)

ABSOLUTELY RUDE

The PM has backed BTN’s calls for an inquiry into phone hacking today, calling it “absolutely rude”.

He said at PMQs: “We do need to have an inquiry, possibly inquiries, into what has happened over the last few weeks. The hacking of the Weir’s phone shows that far from being remorseful News International intends to continue with its illegal activities” (**)

“We are no longer talking here about politicians and celebrities, we are talking about murder victims, potentially terrorist victims, and lottery winners having their phones hacked into.

“It is absolutely disgusting, what has taken place, and I think everyone in this House and indeed this country will be revolted by what they have heard and what they have seen on their television screens”

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(*) I’ll give you a slap on the ear

(**) Mr Cameron vehemently denies that he has ever had vigorous anal sex with Rebekah Brooks.

(***) Rebekah Brooks vehemently denies that her name has ever been spelt ‘Rebecca’

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Famous for taking Bromley Health Authority to court in the 1980’s to establish his ‘Right in Principle’ to have a hysterectomy, and more recently for taking the British Government to the European High Court to assert his Right to Political Asylum even though he was born and bred in the UK, Potts has once again decided to, in his words, “Stand up for the underdog”.

Talking to our Home Affairs correspondent Sir Arthur Mitchell, Potts claimed,

” All my life I have had to live with injustice. I see it all around and unlike others I can’t just sit back an accept it. I am and have been since the age of 11 an amazing 6ft 3 inches in height. Tall people have to put up with many injustices in our society. For example, seats on planes are always cramped. Retailers fail to sell clothes big enough, forcing us into the humiliating experience of going to the notoriously expensive ‘Pog Shops’, but worst of all is the blatant prejudice of photographic company’s such as Kodak, who have failed to cater for the needs of the larger community by producing film sizes that are far too small for the taller man.”

Showing our reporter various pictures of himself from the neck down, Potts continued,

“We all know that photos come in two main sizes 6 x 4 and 7 x 5 inch. How on earth can you standardize like this? Do Kodak not realise humans come in all shapes and sizes. Should I have to spend an extra £2.50 to get the 10 x 8 size every time I need a picture developed? I am sick to death of photos being ruined by my height. I plan to take legal action later this year “

He added, ” Before then I need to clarify exactly what Tesco’s mean when they describe a product as, ‘A Meal for One’ ”

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However it is David Cameron’s controversial plan to introduce a self drinking pint that has caused outrage amongst both Publicans and Alcohol awareness groups throughout Britain.

Derek Palmer chief executive of Alcohol Concern UK said yesterday : “The government plans to introduce a pint glass that empties itself if it has not been used for over two minutes. This would only encourage pub goers to drink more quickly and consequently increase the amount of problem drinkers throughout the UK. At a time when there is already great public concern over the effects of binge drinking this policy is totally irresponsible. It is yet another attempt to raise income via indirect taxation. Once again this government has proved itself to be morally bankrupt”.

In response, a government spokesman said that the idea behind the introduction of a self drinking pint was to promote family life within the UK. Speaking to our home affairs correspondent he said : “Many drinkers spend hours and hours in the pub talking nonsense when they should be with their families. It is hoped that this new measure will encourage people to spend less time away from the home and more time with their children. The scheme has been piloted in Glasgow, Leeds and Portsmouth and I believe the results were favourable.”

However David Brennan, 39 from Ridley Road, Southsea disagrees. “The introduction of the self drinking pint in Portsmouth was a complete and utter disaster. For a start the government did not inform us about the change. People were putting down their drinks to go outside to puff on their self extinguishing cigarettes, coming back and finding their pints empty. It doesn’t take much for a fight to break out down here. For two weeks it was like the wild west. It just wasn’t safe to leave the house let alone go into a pub. Twenty five deaths in ten days, that’s unusual even for Portsmouth. The landlord at the Rose and Crown in Havant was eaten for fuckssake and that hasn’t happened around here for years”

If the Bill goes through Parliament next week it is likely to become Law by 2014. Opponents of the scheme are being encouraged to sign an online petition at: www.free2getmullered.com

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Dog owners have often claimed they can read the expressions of their pets – particularly that tell-tale look when they have done something wrong.

Some even maintain that they can tell the exact nature of their dog’s crime as soon as they see their faces.

Acton W3

Margaret Green 56 from Acton in West London told our Science correspondent Jane Lister:

“I know from the moment I walk through the door whether Dylan (a liver coloured Springer Spaniel) has been a good boy or not. His expression is so full of guilt and I know he is feeling bad about his behaviour. The other day he gave me one of his looks and I spent over three hours searching the house to see what he had done. I could not find anything smashed or out of place. It was only when my husband suggested that I checked the outgoing telephone calls that I realised he had been ringing live 1-2-1 adult chat lines all morning. He must have been doing it a lot because the phone bill was astronomical . I was furious and sent him to his basket without his dinner. My husband has promised to keep a closer watch on Dylan next time they are alone in the house together”.

But researchers at a New York college tricked owners into thinking innocent pets had misbehaved – with the owners still claiming to see this guilty look.

The study found that the expression had no relation to the dogs’ behaviour.
And researchers found that pet owners’ belief that they could read their dogs’ “body language” was often entirely unfounded.

Not having an affair with his secretary

The study from John McNulty, Professor at Barnard College in New York, showed that owners were projecting human values onto their pets.

“Dog’s do not feel emotions in the same way as us humans. If I were to be having an affair with my young secretary, which I am not, I would feel guilt and this could manifest itself in many physical ways, for example through eczema or psoriasis”.

“But because I am not having an affair with my secretary I do not have to worry about my skin erupting. I can go home to my wife and three children at the weekend free of guilt because I have always remained faithful”.

“Canine lovers often falsely believe that their pets feel emotions in the same way. We actually had a lady who took her dog to confession because she believed he had been overly sexual in the park. More worrying perhaps is the fact that the priest gave the Irish Wolfhound four Our Fathers and five Hail Mary’s”

The research, ‘Canine Behaviour and Cognition’, looked at how dog owners interpreted their pets’ expressions, when they believed that the dog had stolen and eaten a forbidden treat.

In a series of tests, owners were sometimes given accurate and sometimes false information about whether their dog had stolen the treat.

But the research, published in Behavioural Processes, found that owners’ interpretations of whether their dog looked guilty bore no reliable link with whether the dog had really stolen the treat.

Clever Dave

On one of the tests a particularly bright Border collie called ‘Dave’ fooled his owner into believing he had not eaten the chocolate by sitting cross-legged in an armchair, smoking a pipe and immersing himself in the Daily Telegraph.

However if an owner thought the dog had misbehaved and then subsequently told the dog off, some dogs showed an “admonished” look, which humans then misunderstood as an admission of guilt.

Researchers concluded that any such “guilty look” is a response to human behaviour and has no relation with the dog’s actions or sense of having broken any rules.

Sometimes people can look like they are having affairs when they are not.

Interestingly certain breeds of dog seem to look more ‘guilty’ than others. Bloodhounds, Whippets and Beagles notoriously get blamed for everything whilst Rhodesian Ridgebacks, Rottweilers and Pitbull Terriers tended to get off scot-free no matter what they did.

Professor McNulty concludes: “Like humans some dogs have naturally more guilty looking faces than others. My wife often accuses me of things I haven’t done and I’m sure that’s because I have similiar features to that of a Bassett hound”.

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Speaking at a press conference about the ‘Tony Blair Faith Foundation’ in New York the ex Prime Minister said:

“I’m afraid to say that it is very unlikely that the meek shall inherit the earth. It is a fine idea in principle but it must be said that most of the powerful elite on earth today are not gentle folk who display patience and humility. Conversely I would argue that it is the assertive and bold who are more likely to inherit the earth’s riches. What I think Jesus was trying to say was that the Meek might inherit the earth unless another group came along who wanted it more”

In a statement released yesterday Tony Blair has been supported by his friend and ally former President of the United States George Bush.

“Mr Bush would like it to be known that he fully supports Mr Blair’s brave statement on the meek. If it were left to the timid and compliant America would probably be an Islamic state by now. God save us from the patient and long suffering and God Bless America”
However Blair’s comments have caused outrage within the Christian community.

Talking to our Home Affairs correspondent Rev Nick Lang Vicar of St John’s Church in Beckenham, Kent claimed that Mr Blair was guilty of Blasphemy and that he should retract his statement immediately.

“It clearly states in Matthew 5.5 ‘Blessed are the meek: for they shall inherit the earth’. I have no reason to believe that anything has changed. As far as I am concerned we should still eat fish on Friday and the meek can carry on showing patience and humility. Their day will come, I am sure of it”

Jonathan Hall, President of the UKSM (United Kingdom Society of the Meek) was less convinced.

“I can’t believe this. I have spent my life practicing the virtues of meekness in the hope that one day I shall inherit the earth. Now all of a sudden they change the goalposts. Do you know how difficult it is being humble in spirit as well as manner? My mildness and submissiveness are legendary in the South East of England and to be honest I haven’t found it easy. Only the other week I had to turn the other cheek when I found my wife in bed with a Housing Officer (*). Do you know how difficult it is to be ‘gentle and self effacing’ when mindless yobs are throwing eggs at your car. I’m off to buy a fucking gun.”

(*) A recent survey showed that 70% of local government Housing Officers are unfaithful to their partners at least once a year.

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My husband accesses porn sites when I am not in the house. I haven’t told him I know about it, as I’m sure he would be angry that I was ’spying’ on him. He always deletes the sites he accesses from the history section, but doesn’t realise that there are other ways of seeing what he’s been downloading.

Whenever he gets in before me he usually lies about the time he’s got home and when I check, he’s been on these sites. It is difficult to sit down to dinner with a man who only an hour earlier has been searching www.wifelovespork.com. We had toad in the hole yesterday evening and I caught him looking at me in a very strange way. It put me right off and I ended up doing myself some cheese on toast.

I’d just like to know if this is something that all men do. Because he’s not often in the house on his own, he’s not able to do it on a very regular basis, but I still hate the fact that he does. I feel I’ve lost respect for him and it’s spoiling our relationship. I’m probably feeling jealous that he’s looking at much younger women. I’m in my mid 50s and recently lost a leg in an industrial accident, but I have generally kept myself slim and take care with my appearance. However all the women he looks at appear to have two legs. It is all very upsetting. Please help, I am in despair.

Elaine 49, Middlesbrough

Uncle Steve says:

First of all I would like to congratulate you on your bravery. To lose a leg and be faced with a husband that is so obviously sexually aroused by bipeds must be very difficult. If he is indeed downloading hard core pornography the insensitivity he has shown is inexcusable. This probably is not what you want to hear but it might be time to move on without your husband Elaine.

You ask a question many women, including my dear wife, ask. Do all men download pornography?. I obviously cannot answer for all men. I can say however that sometimes women can jump to conclusions. Only last week Mrs Steve believed she had discovered me looking at a picture of a suspender clad Fern Britton. What I can assure you is that the internet will often ‘pop up’ sexualised images in an attempt to entice less disciplined men onto X-rated websites. However this does not mean that the man is accessing those sites.

I am interested that you say your husband deletes his history but that ‘there are other ways of seeing what he’s been downloading’. Are you sure about this?. Do you work in IT?. I always assumed if you deleted the temporary files and cookies then all trace of your internet history was erased from the computer. I would be very interested in how you are finding the sites your husband has accessed and wonder if you could forward this information to me as soon as is humanly possible.

My advice to you is talk to your husband about your concerns. You obviously cannot live in an environment where even the eating of a sausage is a source of tension. This needs to be addressed immediately so email me that information on accessing internet history and speak to your husband at the first available opportunity. Another option would be to try some reverse psychology. Why not let him come home and find you going it some in front of the PC. May I suggest www.bigblackstud.com. That should take the wind out of his sails.

David Lomas’s book, ‘Love and Sex with Robots: The Evolution of Human-Robot Relationships’ claims robots will become so lifelike that they will be hard to distinguish from real people.

The 62-year-old retired Wet Nurse from Porlock in Somerset, writes,” Great sex for everyone, 24/7. What’s not to like? Bring it on I say”

Robot technology is advancing hugely across the world, with Japan in particular making great strides towards robots which can help out in homes or hospitals.

Robots are now becoming so life like that they are beginning to mimic real human behaviours. Our Home affairs correspondent Sir Arthur Mitchell decided to ‘test drive’ one of Lomas’s prototype models, known simply as AR59.

Meeting in ‘The Peking Diner’, Bromley, the evening started well. Calling herself ‘Maureen’, the female robot was attentive, some would say even flirtatious. She displayed a great interest in anything our correspondent said, even going as far as congratulating him on his choice of tie.

Maureen watched as our reporter finished off three plates of Fried Chicken in Black Bean Sauce, a ‘Harriot Duck’ and a generous helping of Pie and Cream. Never once grimacing at the amount he consumed, our reporter believed she compared favourably to his recent human dates.

However the problems started when he tried to escort the ‘Fembot’ home. When Mitchell suggested that he, ‘come in for coffee’, Maureen became hesitant, saying that she had to be up early in the morning and that she would like to run Windows Washer before she went to bed. Attempting to force his way in, Maureen simply reminded our reporter that all she need do is press her F9 button and all entry would be impossible.

Not entirely sure about how he would stand legally if he were to ‘reboot’ Maureen, our correspondent decided not to pursue the matter any further. Mr Lomas admits that his robot needs some refining.

” It is true; there are times when AR59’s behaviour does not resemble that of a human. The part of the computer programme controlling social skills will need to be revamped before she goes on general sale. I took her to one of London’s top restaurants last weekend and when the waiter asked her whether she preferred the Beetroot-cured Salmon or the Sautéed Foir Gras, “Maureen” replied that she didn’t have any knickers on. The Ivy hadn’t witnessed behaviour like that since Princess Michael of Kent left town.”

However Lomas maintains that the people most likely to use the technology are those that are too ugly or too isolated to find human romance. He plans to pilot the robot in Sheffield within the next five years.

Real Madrid have today confirmed a deal to bring Manchester United’s bright young Mexican striker Hernandez to the Bernabeu in July 2012 if, as expected, he becomes a world class striker. President Florentino Perez met last week with Javier Hernández Gutiérrez, “Chicharito” father and agent, as well as the Old Trafford chief executive David Gill, who prepared the ground for his sale by contrasting the financial position of Manchester United to that of the Spanish giants.

Big Bean

Speaking to a Press conference in Madrid earlier this afternoon Perez announced that a clause had been made in the contract that stated that Real would only sign the striker if he became “a truly world class player over the next 18 months”. In a ground breaking agreement Madrid would be able to pull out of the deal if Hernandez failed to score 25 plus goals in either of the next two Premiership seasons.

Yes they do eat guinea pig’s, I’ve seen them

Perez continued: “We only want the very best. If Chicharito turns out to be another Cristiano Ronaldo we have an agreement with Manchester United that we will buy him for 25 million euros plus Karim Benzema at the end of the 2011-12 season. If however he turns out to be another Karim Benzema we have an understanding that we can cancel the transfer and look for alternatives”

Charlie Drake

It is rumoured that Hernández is not the only player at Old Trafford to have such an agreement. Talking to our Sports correspondent Peter Shankly an insider inside said: “Since the Glazer’s took over most young players at United have it written into their contracts that if they become anywhere near half decent they will be sold off to either Real Madrid or Barcelona or more depressingly Manchester City or Chelsea.”

Graham Rix

“It is common knowledge inside Old Trafford that if Wayne Rooney’s form returns and he manages not to sleep with any more elderly prostitutes he will be moving to Maine Road for £30 million at the end of the season. However if his form returns but he can’t keep his hands off old ladies tets he will be travelling down the M1 to sign for Chelsea, a club well versed in dealing with it’s employees sexual improprieties”

Bearded American Malcolm, and that’s not a euphemism

The strategy of selling off all their valuable assets to the highest bidder was defended today by club owner Malcolm Glazer: “When are the fans going to realize Manchester is not a charity, we are running a business here. We made a $70 million net profit on transfers last season, what other top European soccer team could claim that. With the sale of Rooney and possibly Hernandez if he keeps improving, we are be looking at an inventory turnover ratio of well over 10. Anyone with even a basic understanding of macroeconomics would be impressed by that”

What a load of old Gordon Tullock’s

Fans were left bemused as the American businessman then spent the next 30 minutes listing all the Economic terms he had learnt at High school including “Opportunity Cost” “Liquidity Ratio” “Average Variable Cost” “Elasticity of Demand” and his own personal favourite “Marginal Rate of Substitution”

Trotskyite but safe around children

Sir Alex Ferguson was unavailable for comment but he is not known for his love of either the free market or the laws of supply and demand.

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In his book Hawking argues that God did not create the universe and the “Big Bang” was an inevitable consequence of the laws of physics.

In “The Grand Design,” co-authored with U.S. physicist Leonard Mlodinow, Hawking says a new series of theories made a creator of the universe redundant, according to the Times newspaper which published extracts on Thursday.

“Because there is a law such as gravity, the universe can and will create itself from nothing. Spontaneous creation is the reason there is something rather than nothing, why the universe exists, why we exist,” Hawking writes.

“It is not necessary to invoke God to light the blue touch paper and set the universe going.”

Hawking spent over an hour answering questions from eminent members of the British scientific community including Sir Clive Sinclair who recently won ‘Celebrity Poker Club’ beating wide boy Keith Allen in a tense final.(*)

However it was when asked by BTN Science correspondent Dr Jane Lister about where space, time, energy, and the laws of physics came from that Hawking 68, looked awkward and sped away in his Centrino Pentium M 1.5GHz chip powered wheelchair. Colliding into tea lady Patricia Hunt 64 , Hawking toppled out of his chair and onto the newly lamenated studio floor.

Using Newton’s Law of Gravity G = 6.6726 x 10-11N-m2/kg2 where G is the universal gravitational constant, it would have taken the renowned theoretical physicist, weighing in at approximately 44.5 kgs, approximately 1.85 seconds to crash to the ground.

Hawking unfortunately left the building in an ambulance with a suspected dislocation of his right shoulder. The staff at BTN would like it to be known that they are all praying to God for a speedy recovery.

Tea lady Mrs Hunt was unavailable for comment. However she would like it to be known that in 42 years of employment this was the first time she had ever been involved in a serious accident with a world famous Cosmologist.

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(*) Keith Allen did not attend Stephen Hawking’s book launch. He would also like it to be known that he was out doing laddish things such as ‘drinking and stuff’.

(**) Other famous celebrities who have fallen out of a wheelchair include Itzhak Perlman the Israeli-American violinist, conductor, and pedagogue who despite being deliberately tipped out of his chair by an intoxicated second violinist continued to play a 45 minute solo from the orchestra pit during a recital of Richard Rodgers ‘Victory at Sea’.

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