In a statement that is bound to prematurely end the career of nonce Jeremy Kyle, the television presenter claimed yesterday:

“I feel the time has come to respond to the growing amount of criticism that the Jeremy Kyle show has received over the past month or so. I am afraid to say that reports that I am a total bastard with no genuine emotions at all are fundamentally correct. I have done a lot of soul searching this week and I can honestly say that I feel absolutely nothing for anyone. I don’t know what it is. Most people have some semblance of human warmth but it appears I have none whatsoever”.

“Even at the private school my parents sent me to I felt nothing. I was made a prefect in lower sixth form and just used my privileged position to make life as uncomfortable as possible for those around me”.

“I enjoy watching human misery, I always have. When I left my first wife, who I know loved me dearly, I felt nothing at all. I actually remember laughing at her when she asked me to stay for the sake of our daughter. If I am honest I will wait until my second wife Louise can’t live without me and then I’ll piss off one night with her best friend. I just can’t stop myself“.

“I have looked through psychology books and the one word that seems to define me is that of Psychopath. It is a common misconception that all Psychopaths are axe wielding maniacs. There are many of us living what to many look like normal lives”.

“I am for example, ‘Incapable of real human attachment to another person’. Furthermore I am ‘unable to empathize with the pain of others, and have only contempt for their feelings of distress’. Therefore when the producers of the show came along and asked me if I’d like to exploit socially disadvantaged people for my own personal gain, I jumped at the chance.”

“I suppose I should have kept quiet about my pathological personality but to be honest I have made enough now to retire quite comfortably. I will miss the plebs though, their guaranteed humiliation used to motivate me to get up in the morning. What will I have now?. Thankfully I still have my wife and kids to fuck up”.

Jonathan Hall, consultant psychiatrist at the Maudsley Hospital in South London told our reporter:

“I can confirm that Jeremy has been undergoing treatment on an outpatient basis at this hospital since April 2003. It is unfortunate to say but I have been unable to find one redeemable feature in this man. When he did show what seemed to be warmth or joy or compassion, it was more feigned than experienced and always served an ulterior motive”.

“I am loathed to say this, but in my opinion Mr Kyle is what we call in the profession a T.A.U.K or to give it it’s full medical title, ‘Total and utter Kunt’, named after Professor Kunt, the renowned German Physician who first diagnosed the disorder back in 1935 “.

If anyone believes they are living with a Psychopath or T.A.U.K, help can be found at: www.getouttheroomquick.com

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