Bite The News

Archive for ‘August, 2008’

Dear Uncle Steve: I can’t stop cheating on my husband!

Dear Uncle Steve: I can’t stop cheating on my husband!

Dear Uncle Steve,
Please help me. I’m 22 years of age, live in Canterbury and have been married for just over two years. I have a one year old child and my husband Tony is currently working away for eight months in the Middle East.

‘Lack of sponsorship affects our performance’ admits Gerrard

‘Lack of sponsorship affects our performance’ admits Gerrard

As sports journalists throughout Britain try to make sense of the nations top footballer’s inability to perform at international level, England and Liverpool captain Steven Gerrard has given his honest opinion as to why a group of players, who play so well in the premiership perform so badly when they play as the Three Lions.

“I think we have fecked up” admits local Council

“I think we have fecked up” admits local Council

At a time when cash strapped local authorities are having to account for every penny they spend, Dumfries and Galloway Council in South West Scotland is being heavily criticised for spending over £220 million on a 80,000 capacity stadium for a local football club whose average attendance last season was a mere 630.

“Saddam had Bridge Work done on N.H.S.” claims nutty Boris

“Saddam had Bridge Work done on N.H.S.” claims nutty Boris

London’s new Mayor Boris Johnson has criticised the Government over what he sees as double standards regarding dental care in Britain today.

Writers refuse to be funny as talks break off.

Writers refuse to be funny as talks break off.

A strike by American comedy writers began just after midnight on Monday, as last-minute negotiations between screenwriters and producers to avert a walkout failed.

“When will we, will we be famous”

“When will we, will we be famous”

The date 24th August 1989. The venue Wembley Arena. Thirteen thousand screaming young nubiles greeted the arrival on stage of two peroxide brothers or ‘Bros’ as they became known, who had, over the previous two years, dominated the British singles charts with their subtle blend of ‘Bentley Blue’ motown and irreverent political satire.

Lawrence Corruption Claim Unfounded

Lawrence Corruption Claim Unfounded

Three weeks ago claims that the Stephen Lawrence murder investigation was affected by a corrupt relationship between a policeman and the father of one of the suspects were ‘proved to be unfounded’, a police watchdog ruled.

“I’m not afraid of my feminine side” claims Terry

“I’m not afraid of my feminine side” claims Terry

John Terry, the 26 year old Chelsea and England defender, known throughout the game for his tough tackling and heavy drinking, has shocked the footballing world by claiming he is no longer embarrassed to express his feminine side.

Rugby: What the Fuck’s it all about?

Rugby: What the Fuck’s it all about?

Yet again England is in the grip of another surge of Rugby fever. The sport that is largely ignored by 95% of the population, 95% of the time suddenly becomes hugely popular for two weeks every four years when England actually threatens to win something.

“Not what I expected” admits Worrall-Thompson

“Not what I expected” admits Worrall-Thompson

Celebrity diabetic Anthony Worrall Thompson has claimed that the plastic surgery he believed would improve his life has not gone quite as he had planned.